Pen

I'm leaving on a jet plane and I don't know when I'll be back again. haha but i really am. I'm going to Hawaii to get my life to where I want it to be.

Who knew life could be so cruel. It realy sucks right now. You know, im talking to a guy right now but when I was talking to him today he said that him and his boyfriend just had broke up and I didn't even know about that. This whole time I thought he was in to me. I guess im totally not likeable. I mean, friendship wise I am but other than that, I guess not. I guess he was just trying to have a gay friend.
Plus I just got fired from Target and I just moved into my own apartment. Right now, my life seems to be sucking more and more as each day passes. =( I need help

Haha, so I've been sitting here for days trying to decide what to do and I totally could have been blogging. But any way, what's new in my life is...nothing much. Still homeless but have somepkace to stay. Oh, I think im going to be getting an apartment by my self for now just so I have a place to call my own. I feel like im mooching off other people and it sucks. I know im going to be able to do it its just going to take a lot to save and not spend on anything that I don't need. But ihave faith that I can do this I just have to put everything in action. Haha. so, I made a financial plan with my best friend in the world and im going to stick to it this time cause I need to if I want to get anywhere in life. From now on im on a budget.

Well, the day started great when I woke up and went to church. I had totally forgot about the church picnic but that isn't important right now. lol. Then I met up with Kim at her house and picked her up for the day. It was about 11:30 or so when we were about to leave Safeway when we found out that her sister's boyfriend left his keys in the trunk of his Lexus... Do you know how hard it is to break into a Lexus? It's freaking impossible. So I had to take Miguel to get his spare key in Tacoma... Took us an hour and a half to get there and back...Very long. We got back around 3:15 or so and we were on the road. When we finally reached our destination it was about 4 and by the time we all got in the water it was about 4:30. OMG was it beautiful. We went to this lake called rattlesnake lake or something like that. It used to be a forest but somehow it got flooded. And there's a lot of tree stumps in the lake so we can jump off some of them more twards the shallower part of the lake. It was the most fun I've had at a lake in a long while. =) So about four hours fly bye and we pack up and leave. We get our stuff out of Miguel's trunk and Kim and I head to the car. We get there and the car won't start... By this time everybody else that we went with had left already. We try calling them but guess what? The phones have no survice at all! We finally found a spot where we had survice and try and try calling her sister, she doesn't pick up at all. So we try asking everybody we see leaving the lake if they have jumper cables but none of them do. We finally got somebody to help us, he doesn't have jumper cables either, but he helps us stop somebody who does. He jumps the car and i start it. While it's running he pulls a buisness card out of his wallet and gives it to us. It turnes out that he is a Pre Paid Legal Service guy who specialises in trafic problems like ours. What a coinsidense.

I think this has been one of the strangest days I've had ever.

I just got done watching a movie and damn it was pretty weird. It's about a father telling his two boys that God has spoken to him and told him to destroy all of the demons in the world, or something like that. And then his two boys do the same thing. Idk, I just thought it was pretty wired. I mean, the things people do when they think that its Gods will.

Creepy.

well, got to head into work. ill ttyl.

I'm just bored right now. I'm watching my cousin play Call Of Duity 4 and I just don't know what else to do. I mean I love playing this game but it's not like we can play it at the same time cause well...we can't. Its just not possible unless we had two different games going on on two different tv's. =)

I really don't know what else to do besides wright. So I turned to LJ. =)

Lately, I've been just hanging out with my friends and my cousin. Going swimming and everything like that. I'm trying to spend as much time with them as possible cause I'm going to be moving to Hawaii soon and I'm probably not going to see them for a long while. I'm going to be with my family in Hawaii, just not the family I grew up with. At least for a couple of years. I just need to get away from everything that has been going on over here and frankly, I need a clean slate for a while. For those of you who are reading this I'm sure that you understand. I'm just bored with life over here for now and I need something new for a while. I mean, It's the same routine every single day and that gets pretty boring. And now that I may be in lots of like with Kim I just don't really know what to even think about that. We've been great friends for about a year now and I've never even thought about liking her...Until recently. That's not a bad thing is it? I just heard that her and Forest MIGHT be broken up for good but I don't just want to sound like a rebound. What should I do?

Man my life has problems. First I think I'm gay, now I'm in lots of liking for one of my best friends. And yet I can't say anything to her right now. I really don't think that telling her that I like her in this time of her life is going to be any good cause she just broke up with her boyfriend of like 2 or 3 years now. And for her to think that I'm just doing it for the simple reason of me wanting someone in my life. I have to be there for her through her tough times. Especially like this kind of thing. I honestly don't think that were ever going to get together cause she may look at me like her brother. I can't just confess my love for her out of nowhere. I want to be there for her but at the same time I'm glad that they broke up cause I guess I'm starting to think like an ass whole, or at least an ass whole in my opinion. Cause the way that I've looked at it is that now shes back on the "market". I really hate it when guys say that or even try to do something like that. It's so inconsiderate of them and that's what makes them dirty pigs. I'm stuck in a bind as you can see. And now I can't even find a freaking Pizza place that is open! Geeze! What's going to happen next! lol. =D

Oh My Goodness! So much to deal with right now. I don't even know which one to deal with first. I have the whole house renting ordeal that I'm dealing with, I have this whole Kim situation, and to top it all off, everybody's asking me when I'm going to leave to go to Hawaii! Man oh man. Oh, and don't even talk to me about work right now. I'm on my final and I'm still trying to look for another job that won't interfere with Target.

I know I've been talking about this Kim thing a lot, especially in this post but I just don't know where else to talk about it. I mean I could talk about it to my cousin or even some of my friends but I think they would get tired of hearing about it. (Now I'm on the phone waiting for the pizza guy to get back...he just got my order and he can't even freaking speak English.) But I'm just trying to figure out what I should do so if any of you have any Ideas pleas help me out.

Well, I've got to go get the pizza now so I'll come back on later.

Thanks for listening...well reading is more like it. =)

The one mistake I most regret is trusting somebody who I thought was a great friend. Some friends and I rented a place and guess what, she never had her rent. She borrowed thousands of dollars from people and we all know that she's not going to pay any of it back. She never borrowed a lot of money from me but she jacked my phone bill up to 2,200 dollars. I mean I could have been saving that extra money for my future but nope. I know I'm never going to talk to her again. But I'm a strong believer in Karma and she'll get her turn. The hard thing is just waiting for anything to happen. =)

But other than that, I don't regret anything in the past.

How you been? lol.

Well, today hasn't been as exciting as the last week or so but its still going i guess. I've never really had the time to get on and just browse the Internet...s...lol. =D But tomorrow I'm totally hanging out with my cousin's girl friend and were going to the beach. I'm so excited...I just don't know where we're going yet...We never decided that out today.

But my moms trying to sleep so I'll ttyl. =D

Ahh, we meet again. lol. I haven't been on here for like a century! At least it seems like it. lol. =D But in the past few months, my life has gone to shit...

Where to start. First things first, I've been stabbed in the fucking back the worst ever! I've been betrayed by somebody that I thought I knew and that has surprised me the most. Man, when you think you know somebody you better be careful cause they can bring out there true colors in an instant and it sucks the worst. I wish i could have made a different decision in the first place but things don't always go as planned... or hoped for. I really hoped that I knew her and i was faithful that she was being as true to me as I was to her. I helped her when she needed somebody most and I just don't understand why or how somebody could do this when they give them there heart from the very start. I mean, I trusted her with everything. I trusted her with all of my personal things like leaving my journal out cause I trusted she wasn't going to go through it. I trusted her with my life pretty much. And it fucking sucks that she totally back stabbed me and I wish I never had helped her. But you know, like I said earlier, things never go as planned. I'm never going to be able to forgive her. That doesn't mean that I'm not going to be civil to her but other than making it look like everything is all fine and dandy isn't going to happen either. I truly hope she goes through the same thing she put me through. And I'm not the only one in this perdicament that feels the same. She left me with no house, no money, practially no phone, no trust for her. But she also left me with a since of knowladge. I am more knowladgable about who to trust, how to document everything properly incase of any legal reasoning, and a since of accomplishment in being independent. All in all, I've learned a lot from this whole ordeal and that I am gratful for.

For my whole credit thing, I'm pretty much fucked for a year or so. I mean, Im now going to be probly about 10 thousand dolars in debt but it's a learning experience I guess.

But I guess it's brought my dad and I closer. I think through out my struggles he has realised that he has done things he's not proud of in the past and lied to me one right after another. He is now trying to make it up to me but trying to help me out as much as possible in my time of need and I am extreamly greatful for everything he's trying to do for me. He's putting the effort into helping me find a place I can live and retry to start anew. Now all I'm hoping for is that he's going to pull through for me and not let his past catch up to him and pull him right back to where he was when he left and tried to start anew in Hawaii with the help of his family. Even though how much help he got from his family was only for about a year, I truly hope that he has changed his perspective on life. I mean, he was and, as far as i see, is still going down that same path of distruction and it breaks my heart that he doesn't seem to want any help with it at all. He doesn't want to go to counsiling or get any help from his family. Now we just all kind of ignore it and let him do what ever the hell he wants to. I cant do anything about it and nobody else can either.

I went to church for the first time in a long time yesterday that I almost forgot how good I felt after every survice. Being with my mom and seeing everybody that I've known for so long was so refreshing to me. I made me feel as if the journy ahead isn't as bad as it seems. Right now, I'm just trying to get through everything and it's hard. There right when they say that nothing can prepare you for the real world and now I understand why. I mean, no matter how much your parents try and try to make you understand and learn from there own mistakes, you have to learn from your own mistakes to actually understand. I hope that makes since. I know that I've personaly done a lot of learning in the past few months and it's had to be the hard way. But I guess it's also true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Well, I need to get some sleep seeing as I haven't got any in the past few days. So I will leave you all now and I hope to return for more later on today...or tomorrow night...well, Night! =D

IM SO TIRED OF ALL OF THIS DRAMA AND IM DONE WITH IT!!!!!!!!!! I DONT WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE ABOUT IT AND IF YOU DO SPEAK ABOUT IT IM NOT GOING TO RESPOND TO YOU ABOUT ANYTHING. THE ONLY THING IM INTERESTED ABOUT IS IF YOU HAVE FIX IT OR NOT. AFTER YOU BOTH HAVE TRIED THEN YOU BOTH CAN COME TO THE SAME CONCLUSION. I REALY WISH THAT I HADNT EVEN ASKED ABOUT THIS. CAUSE IT HURTS TO KNOW THAT TWO OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARENT GOING TO BE FRIENDS ANYMORE JUST BECAUSE OF SOME STUPID CHOICES THEY BOTH MADE. NOT JUST ONE OR THE OTHER. AND IT PISSES ME OFF THAT NONE OF THEM EVEN WANT TO TRY TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!! THEY HAVE BEEN THERE FOR EACHOTHER THROUGH THICK AND THIN AND NOW WHEN THEY NEED TO BE THERE FOR EACHOTHER THEY JUST LEAVE EACHER? HOW DOES THAT WORK? I JUST DONT GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! URGH!!!!!!!!!! I JUST WANT TO PUNCH SOMETHING OR MAYBE I SHOULD JUST STAY OVER HERE WHERE I HAVE NO DAMN DRAMA AND MAYBE I SHOULD JUST FORGET ABOUT MY FRIENDS OVER THERE SO THAT MY LIFE CAN BECOME WAY MORE EASIER. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IM NOT GOING TO DO THAT CAUSE I BELIEVE THAT WITH A LITTLE COMMUNICATION FROM BOTH OF THE PARTIES THAT ARE IN THIS SITUATION CAN WORK IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY ARE SO STUBBORN THINKING THAT ITS JUST THE OTHER PERSON WHOS DOING THE STUPID WRONG STUFF WHEN BOTH OF THEM ARE DOING THE STUPID STUFF AND NOT WANTING TO COMMUNICATE TO EVEN TRY TO FIX THE PROBLEM. WHAT HAS AMERICA TOUGHT THE CHILDREN OF THE NATION? I DONT THINK THAT THEY HAVE LEARNED ANYTHING CAUSE NONE OF THEM THINK THAT ITS THERE FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND IT ALSO PISSES ME OFF THAT EVERY TIME I TRY TO HELP THEM THEY WANT ME TO JUST BE THE RELAYER. AND THEN NONE OF THEM WANT TO LISTEN TO WHAT THE OTHER PERSON IS SAYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I JUST HOPE THAT I DONT LOSE ANY OF MY FRIENDS JUST BECAUSE OF THIS WHOLE STUPID THING AND IT FREAKING SUCKS THAT I EVEN HAVE TO BE GOING THROUGH THIS CAUSE ITS NOT EVEN MY PROBLEM. AND THEN THEY JUST DONT KNOW WHEN TO STOP TALKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEVER KNOW WHY I EVEN GET MYSELF INTO THESE PROBLEMS IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM A FREAKING IDIOT. I THINK IM RESPONSABLE FOR THEM NOT BEING FRIENDS CAUSE I TRIED TO HELP.

today at work was much better cause i knew what to do and what to expect and stuff like that i mean i was at the register most of the time cause i think we were a little under staffed today. it was also fun and i had a chance to meet more people today. im getting more comfortable with working there...well here in the nc...but you know what i mean. so i dont remember if i said anything about the hurricain thats comming this way for this weekend but there is one and im hopeing that its just a lot of heavy rain and a little bit of wind cause i realy dont want to be stuck in a hurricain for like the whole weekend and then i wouldnt be able to get on the internets cause my power would be out for a while...im betting if it gets that bad but ya. thats the news for this week.

i just went to go and get the mail and for some reason my left leg has been hurting for a few days now...actually it hurts everytime i get home from work. maybe its cause ive been standing for hours on end. ya i think thats why. but any ways, my moms trying to get me to do the dishes or the laundry but im refusing cause thats all ive been doing today and i just want to sit down and relax for at least a few hours.

lol, i just remembered what i said that was so funny. i was walking out to go and get the mail and i saw the broomstick behind the door and i said to my mom "i found grandma's broomstick" and then she started saying that she wasnt looking for the broomstick i was looking for the rake and then i said "i was trying to be funny" and she started laughing and said that she was slow today. but the truth is that shes always slow. =D

im reading this book called Wild at Heart By John Eldredge  and its a realy good book. its a christian book and about finding your heart and what you truly want to do so i guess you can say that its an inspirational book. ive only read the first chapter but its realy good. i like it. =)

well, my moms nagging me to do something and shes saying that lifes not fair and blah blah blah. im not realy listening but it sure is pissing me off. l;ksajflakjdghogi see. that just kind of came out cause im pissed. but now after writing about it i feel better. blogging is actually a lot more relaxing and thariputic (SP) than a lot of people think it is. and so i leave you with this and dna siht htiw uoy evael i os dna. 

so ill be back on soon. =)

well, today at work was way better than yesterday which made me way happier and then i found out that i can use my discount at the starbucks in the target that i work at. that made me even happier. >< but besides that ive been bored out of my mind...like always...at least tomorrow im going to be doing what ive been doing and what i know how to do which is hardlines. =) well, thats all i have for now.

Well, im being bored again so i decided to come on here and blog all of my problems. if you dont want to read them thats fine but im going to blog them. =) some may not even be problems, just some things i want to say or thats on my mind.

So, today was my first day at work in north carolina and it was alright i guess. i mean the first person i met was very nice cause she showed me everything i need like where to get the equiptment and clock in and stuff like that. i am very thankful for her. Then, the next person i met was very rude and he just kind of blew me off everytime i asked him a question so i dont like him. i guess i didnt have a very bad day but you know how first impressions are very powerful. then i worked my a** off doing stuff ive never done before and it was realy frustraiting cause nobody was there for me to help and show me what to do...hopefuly tomorrow will be better.

Well, my life in North Carolina is very well, boring as you can tell. if i werent bored i dont think i would be writing this and i wouldnt be on the computer. but i have reseantly found that the internet and blogging can be very fun and stress releaving. so i thank the people that made this site and many other sites like this one and also i thank the parson who made the internet cause it has saved my butt many times when i needed to finish a project for school and i started the night before. so thank you all. =) If I could live in the internet i would cause there would be a lot more things to do than i can do right now cause im in North Carolina. so you will be seeing a lot more of me on lj and the internet within the next few weeks and years. =) my friend Notebook would be very proud of me. =) Now maybe we can talk about more things than all of the problems within TOF. Sorry, im just blabing on and on and on. but like i said earlier, im very very bored...i dont think ive ever been this bored in my whole life.

I dont know what to do with my life i mean i want to go to college like a lot of my friends and so i feel like a loser and a failer. even though i know im not but thats how i feel and if any of my friends read this they would tell me that im not a failier. i dont know though. i want to go to college for music, mainly the clarinet. but i know that i need some privite lessons before i can be to where i want to be before i audition for the colleges i want to get into. =)

I guess our welcome to North Carolina present from mother nature is tornado's, Hurricains, and a whole lot of thunder storms. well, i guess thats life. just dealing with the weather and and jobs and everything thing else that comes with it. eew, i just saw bush on t.v...sorry, i just had to step back from my ranting for a moment. well, im back....the tv just went a fuzzy sounding...lol. i think this is the most excitement ive had this whole trip.

speaking of the trip, it went very well. i would say that over all it was a 10 (being the best) cause my parents werent fighting and...eew, i saw bush again...everybody was getting along very well, even my little brother and i. and thats saying something cause were always fitghting and getting on eachothers nerves. theres a ten year difference between us...eew, bush again, my grandma is turning the channel to the station that hes on cause the other channel is all fuzzy...and hes always bugging me. but on the trip he supprised me by actually listening to me and we were just having fun. i mean we only got into like two little fights but thats about it. so im happy about that.

well, i guess im going to go to another blogging site and blogg my heart out there as well. =D so ill see you soon.